life in the time of coronavirus

i'm currently living through a pandemic. i suppose that sentence could be far worse -- i died in the 2020 pandemic, or i'm currently one of millions sick with COVID-19. those latter sentences are false, thank god, so the more appropriate one is that I'm living in it, through it, during it. And surviving as best i can. i hope this situation continues as is, hard as it may be.

i don't think anyone expected 2020 to be.. like this. it was supposed to be a new American presidential election; the Summer Olympics in Tokyo; the year we had a warehouse and studio to design, develop, create!; the year that I took a break?; the first full year of being parents; etc etc. and now, we're taking it hour by hour, day by day, quarantine week by quarantine week. it's weird, it's a little surreal, and there doesn't seem to be an end, nor a return to normal. so, well, that's interesting.

the construction workers are prancing about each and every day, and I wonder if they're going to be okay. or if we are, as we pass each other on the sidewalk. I know they individually don't necessarily have a choice to work or not work (though they could wear PPE!), and I know that choices aren't so easy these days. but then again, our next door neighbors are having Easter BBQs, so. sheesh, I dunno. also, Georgia is planning on re-opening their essential bowling alleys and essential tattoo parlors, so god only knows what is or isn't essential. politics divide even science, or is it the other way around? science divides into politics? I wonder how true it is that some people just won't be affected by COVID-19. i mean, i HOPE that I'm not affected. but i get it -- physically vs emotionally vs economically.

L is no longer working, thanks to investor fears and the tanking of the global economy, so there's that. at least we're not tossing W back and forth between video meetings like we did the first 3 weeks. that sucked monkey balls. the dawgs are neither content nor confused. they're still not getting any attention... ha. we're now nearing the end of week 5 of shelter-in-place in the Bay Area, with restrictions getting tighter week to week. now it's face masks mandated in public, especially if you can't maintain a 6-ft social distance. last week more parks and outdoor spaces closed. hiking is crowded! boo hiss. hiking was a saving grace for the first 2 weeks when it was clean, clear, and spacious, even when wet and muddy. now I'm less inclined to breathe the (GERMS!) air. paranoia? yes, likely.

and what do we do about nanny-share? and how do I maintain this juggle of time and attention? and i miss going to the grocery store and library! and whine whine wine wine beer beer. L can't keep cooking forever (though meals sure are tasty), and I might go insane if I can't just clean and organize and garden for 3 straight days soon. also, ohmygod, so much writing needed for National Academies. also I worry about the lack of social interactions for bubby. but ultimately, in some ways, he's living his best 11-month-old life. how funny a pandemic is.

HR is a bitch

honestly, has ANYONE ever had a good experience dealing with HR policies? (not HR people, per se). UGH x infinity.

california, the dream and burden

As of late, I’ve been having a lot of conversations with family and friends, far and wide, about quality of life and inevitably, the cost associated with living in California (and the Bay Area, to be precise). This is no cheap spot to live, mostly due to housing (whether rent or mortgage or property taxes), and you can’t deny that sales tax and gas and bridge tolls! and other everyday expenditures add up quickly too. 

At this point in time, I am fortunate enough that I don’t actively think about budgeting everyday, though I definitely wonder about future life expenses and am still trying to save like a maniac (and doing a decent job of it). Elsewhere, I’d bet that I could be spending much less — but make less too?

And how do you actually quantify what is just so incredible about blue skies, 70-degree temperatures, a lack of mosquitoes, an abundance of fresh produce that makes my eyes water, so many restaurants that I can’t keep up and somehow manage to constantly discover new foods and cuisines, lovely and caring neighbors, a diverse community that doesn’t fake conversations about equity, hiking trails 10 minutes away, outside living that takes advantage of what little land we have, an ocean and mountains and forests that surround me, and a wide-open approach to what I can do? That’s worth... a lot.

It might not be the place for me forevermore, and circumstances and perspectives change, but the dream currently outweighs the burden. which is kinda glorious.

choice and balance

it's been a really crazy year. i don't think that sentence really captures the reality of it, but it'll have to do. sometimes, words are everything, and sometimes, they really don't explain much at all.

my life outside of work is good. it's busy, it's solid, we're attempting to "adult".. in finding balance between whimsical passions, distracting ideas, real projects, and all the necessary things in-between to live a good, busy, solid life.

work, though.. work was really work this year, more than it's ever been in my life. and it invaded my life in ways that i cannot allow. and yet, am still allowing. more and more, i see how easy it is to succumb to busy-ness, to letting the stress -- and success -- and care for work seep into all the other things that make life go forward and balance it out. i understand my dad. and my mom. for some, it can be all about work all the time, and for others, it doesn't have to be about work at all. but i choose both, and i need to choose better. it makes me sad that there's not time and energy and compassion and understanding for it all, because why else do we live? all of these efforts -- the real ones to make learning better, to make communities relevant, to make it so that we can contribute to our world -- are good ones, worthwhile ones, meaningful ones, and i will never forgive or allow for the petty, the stupid, and the selfish to be okay. it was all about that last year, and seeping into this year, and i hate the people who caused it, the people who allowed it to happen and have such a negative impact.

so with that weight, but with the passion, expertise, and skills to go alongside it, what's next? what can i do to find a balance that's necessary to thrive, that doesn't blot out one thing to allow for another?

late december's calm saturday

this is the first saturday in a long time where i haven't rushed from one task to another. a long long long time. i actually should get up and get going with... that list of tasks and projects, but for the moment, i'm just enjoying it.

my hair is wet from an afternoon shower, the (live!) christmas tree is lit, addie is quiet, and the nutcracker fills the room. it's funny about music... i'm transported back to the tivoli backstage, the twinkling of lights, the final all-day rehearsals at baylor in half-dress. in retrospect, it's awesome to have been part of such a grand production, year in and year out. that's teamwork at its best.

it's cloudy out, which makes me okay with just sitting inside for a second. i just took a real breath.

2014 has been such the year. and despite running around like a decapitated chicken without post-it notes trailing, i've loved it. i'm so thankful. i should remember that more. i should remember it for the upcoming week of family visits. ahh, 2014, thank you. here's to even more calm saturdays, twinkling lights, good memories, great music, and sleeping puppies in 2015 :)

writing

i come back to this spot every blue moon. i don't really know why it strikes, or how it strikes, but it does, and i'm compelled to write for a while -- because words have pretty easily tumbled forth over the past decades, and... in some weird way, it's comforting.

i think i have to credit two things that allow to me write these days: my brother, who gave me a blank journal at a young age, and my english teachers. i don't know if the blank journal was a convenient gift or a very well-thought-out one, but i wrote a lot, and easily, and it just helped those childhood and teenage emotional swings -- that no one else but a blank journal could understand or receive. a silent listener. there are piles of filled journals now, somewhere, full of anguish and stupidity and hilarity. i'd give my children blank journals and a dog. those two things = glorious childhood? :)

and my english teachers. in 8th grade, i didn't write that well. i got strong feedback, something i wasn't used to, and despite impeccable grammar, sometimes the words didn't quite flow -- they'd stumble, or hiccup, or something. but every year from that point, i wrote. a lot. for classes, for myself, for whatever, and despite the hedging and hawing that i do when describing the contradictions of my high school experiences, i give it up entirely to the amazing english teachers who taught me well.

anyway, i'm about a week away from 30. and that seems really really weird to me. i feel like i'm still hedging and hawing and emotionally swinging, and 30 ain't no small number, y'all. hehe. but it's okay, i'm finally starting to understand my tendencies and my inclinations. and they make sense to me, which is sorta nice. and i don't have a blank journal these days (nor a dog, damnit!), but i do type a lot, and sometimes passionately, so it's still a stable force, a quiet listener.

what to do

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to save the world and a desire to savor the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

- E.B. White

the final sprint marathon

it's been a marathon.
now it's a sprint.

none of that makes sense.

i've now made a learning project/product/experience, including an animated interactive. also, a website, an online portfolio, a poster, a presentation, a video, and a paper. shitballs, this is nuts.

at least it's kinda cool. that's all the credit i can give it at this current moment in time.

that was mighty quick

it's been 6 years since i drove cross-country and landed in downtown san jose.

6 whole years: wonderful, confusing, sunny, growth-filled years.

that was mighty quick, wasn't it?

i went to my second avett brothers concert last night at the greek theatre in berkeley. perhaps because dana's such a diehard, dedicated fan and enables us to stand way up front within spitting distance, or perhaps because their shows are just genuine, impassioned music, these concerts make me swoon. haha. i mean, yeah, they're cute (and my age! and married), but the music and lyrics are just so effing good.

there's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light.

it's one of those sundays where i just want to lie in the grass and play loud soulful music.

envisioning

i'm not good at goal-setting. when i first started running camp, i had to-- and it was weird. i think i tend to task-set more, and though it's similar, it's really not....

but. this summer, i need/want/should/will:
- start/do/finish my master's project
- create an online portfolio and website
- fix my damn car's a/c
- find a job. and place to live. <-- should be 2 separate, very significant things.
- relax
- go on vacation

these are the big things, the important things. there are others too, some smaller, some less straightforward, but we'll start here, yeah?

in the final 20

tonight, in a rare occasion, i celebrated my (29th) birthday. i'm super-grateful for my friends, especially the newest ones in this strange and wonderful year. and i find it funny that we all collapse together for 9-12 months... and i wonder if we'll remain touch (for, you know, 30 and 31 and on).

i also spent 5 minutes walking alone through downtown palo alto tonight, and it was sorta wonderful. i think i really like the night-ness of everything. we wandered around stanford campus for 2-3 hours last night, and it might've been one of the best nights in a while. i wonder if early mornings are just as good.

ah, 29. that's not so young anymore...

productivity in june

hi. it's june. june means a few things:

1. it's beautiful outside. damnit norcal, you are just too good with weather. i'm not complaining, just commenting on how the sunshine, breezy days, and gentle evenings make it 30x harder for me to work. i'd rather lay in the grass, or go hiking, or ...... stare out the window. i do that a lot.

2. i have one week left of spring quarter. more than 75% done, yowsers! that was fast. one week left. then, i can breathe a little, sleep a little, and seriously get cracking on this master's project (and job apps). oh those two tasks.

3. my room is a disaster. does june really mean that my room is a disaster? strangely enough, yes. the past 4-5 junes meant that i was hurling myself towards camp, so the house and fridge were a mix of clean, messy, dirty, unknown, and to-be-sorted-later. i'm not hurling myself towards camp this year (oh thank god), but papers, projects, and finals are hurling themselves at me. also i'm somehow accumulating things. one of these days, i really will move onto a sailboat and drastically decrease the quantity of my worldly possessions.

4. i'm distractable. and procrastinating. and unproductive (except in good spurts).

okay, onto my next productive spurt.

retirement

i can't wait to be retired.

i have so many things i want to do!
and no time to do it.

minor note to self

no matter how interesting or exciting classes are (or how much you're paying, or how little time you have in just one year, or how naive you are at thinking that grad school must be easier than working), don't take 7 classes + internship again. yeah, duh.

remember: ending the quarter with 9 papers = dumbdumb.

despite all of this, i'm kinda having fun.. hehe.

DUDE. babies.

people are popping out babies left and right!