mother, don't make me choose

in honor of wendy's pee-in-my-pants entry on the two types of scary asian girls, i've decided that there needs to be a follow-up post on disturbing asian boys.

now wait wait, before you all go berserk-o on me and call me a traitor to my own ethnicity, let me preface this with a note or two: i fully embrace my chinese-ness (or well, as much as i can, i suppose). i don't support the so-called "asian male syndrome" (despite a wealth of good examples) -- personally, i think it's an unverified myth 'cause i can prove otherwise. asian males can be quite cute and attractive and interesting. exempt from my broad generalizations (to follow) are my close asian male friends from home (honestly, any asians coming out of TN can't be generalized), the more normal kiddos from college (you know whether or not you fit into these categories: most of you don't, thank god), and zee hawaiians 'cause well.. they're just unique. there are plenty more "normal" asian males and brands, but these two types just stand out. okay, with that said, forward ho!

type 1:
gangsta. these asian boys -- typically korean or chinese, methinks -- are ghetto. or well, they try to be. tie-dyed hair that sits 5 inches above their head in towering and treacherous uber-gel'd spikes, baggy pants that sag on non-existent butts, bright white sneakers for break-dancing (which, admittedly, is pretty good sometimes), a swaggering walk and a prone-to-bust-out-rapping talk, versace and bling bling and enough cologne to infect france. it's like... vanilla ice, except... umm.. green tea ice? yeah. and these dudes travel in hoards too, bobbing up and down the sidewalk while munching on asian pastries. and they give both type 1 and type 2 asian girls the full look-over, to which most of the girls respond with a giggle and squeal. good lord oh god. my main problem with these guys is (uno) "yo baby" in an asian accent doesn't do much for me 'cause i don't understand them in the first place, and (dos) they're usually shorter than me.. which well, defeats their whole "check me out, i'm cool" factor 'cause i'm looking downwards. oooOOOOoooo!

type 2:
traditional. these guys are an enigma -- they're often hard to pick out. they mix in with the normal-looking, normal-acting people; they find a place among the gangsta crowd; they're sometimes clumped in with the "wanna sing gospel songs with me?" group. but deep down, no matter what they look like on the outside -- preppy, rapper, nerdy, religious, red and glowing, or innocently adorable -- they harbor a deep dark secret: they're traditional. TRADITIONAL, adj: aiming to preserve the oft-backwards way of thinking, fashioned by parents and previous generations; expecting an obedient wife by age 23 or 24, two sons and a daughter by 30, dinner on the table at 6pm, monthly visits to the in-laws in taiwan. oh yes, they still exist -- i've come across a few, and i usually run away screaming afterwards. "steph, why don't you wear pink and lace sweater vests more often?" "steph, why don't you know what age you wanna be married by?" "steph, you don't bow to your dad?" "wait, you want to work in the future? even with a husband?" the trads, they're real.

oh baby.