next

i just watched approximately 20 movie trailers online. i love when the bestest movies come out in winter. eesh :)

but there is one problem ... and it's that aspect of contemplation. movies make you contemplate, and i'm already good enough at contemplating on my own: no need for extra catalysts. i contemplate pretty damn well, i'd say. school made me contemplate. unless you're set on a direct path to success from the beginnings of high school, college -- and in particular, mit -- forces you to rethink all those previous plans that seemed right and simple once upon a time. and i did rethink.. and i still do.

december reminds me of last year, dec '04, when amidst joyous christmas shopping, writing term papers, and trying to enjoy my senior year, i found myself stuck in business suits and uncomfortably stoic heels, carrying around a dark-colored, crisp but plain folder into which numerous copies of my well-worked resume, printed on fibrous pearl paper of course, were tucked. it wasn't me.. and though the interviews weren't horrid, and i stuck with it through hours and hours of smiling and enthusiasm, i always came away less hopeful than when i first entered. that so-called path that i'm supposed to follow -- dictated by my degree, my background, my family, and probably most importantly, my education -- isn't clear. or rather, it's clear but terribly unappealing.

so this december, instead of bundling up and searching for downtown offices, HR reps, and notable professionals in boston's biotech, research, and consulting arenas, i'm in dc, bundled up and searching for... something else?

the job that i have now, albeit not the most thrilling thing in this grandiose world, isn't bad. i'm glad i took it. i'm exploring, i'm learning, i'm narrowing (or widening?) my options. but come june, i'm supposed to know what to do next.

next.

next please.

next?

i'm good at planning two weeks in advance. but beyond that, when i reach too far forward (like 7 months, for example), all the plans come tumbling down, falling into muddy water and dusty cracks because nothing solid is supporting them. i can't plan a future; it just comes. right??

i know this much so far:
i like cities. suburbs are always there for later.
i like both coasts.
i like the globe.
i dislike staring at a computer screen for 8 hours straight.
i like people. usually, at least. unless they're constantly coughing.
i like nature. and animals.
i'm not really fond of politics.
i don't like goals that "should be reached in 10 years time."
i like something more tangible.
i wouldn't mind returning to school.
i don't like stark, stringent, fluorescent laboratories.
i like looking up.

that's not a very long list. mmm, maybe i still don't know very much...

oh the quarter-life crisis.. and my tales at 22.